Please....all these jokes are meant with no harm intended so don't take them personal. You will never see nudity here (possibly a mild cartoon though) nor will racism be tolerated.
We must learn to laugh once in a while...
it's the spice of LIFE!
*****************************************************************
A blind man, unknowingly enters a bar full of ladies.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
Before the drink even comes, he says loudly, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you need to know five things . . ."
"1 - The bartender is a blonde girl. "
"2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal."
"3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate."
"4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter."
"5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. " "Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second then shakes his head and declares, "Nah . . "
"Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
*************************************************************
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist AND .
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them
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Interesting UN Voting Records Here!
*****************************************************************
FOLLOWING WERE SUBMITTED BY RALPHY
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
********************************************
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
********************************************
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
********************************************
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
********************************************
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir . mighty scarce.
- Mark Twain
********************************************
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
********************************************
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
********************************************
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
********************************************
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
********************************************
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
- Mark Twain
********************************************
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Ed Furgol
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
- Henny Youngman
********************************************
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
- Mark Twain
********************************************
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
- Joe Namath
********************************************
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith
********************************************
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
********************************************
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
********************************************
Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
********************************************
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
********************************************
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.
- Unknown
********************************************
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
END OF RALPHYS SUBMISSIONS.....
********************************************
Happy Birthday ...
The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale!
He will be out of the hospital soon.
*********************************************
Our Gang Curse
*********************************************
Subject: Fw: 1975 vs. 2005 This is sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...
1975: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair
1975: KEG
2005: EKG
1975: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux
1975: Moving to California because it's cool
2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1975: Tryin to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1975: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage
1975: Hoping for a BMW
2005: Hoping for a BM
1975: Going to a new, hip joint
2005: Receiving a new hip joint
1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney Stones
1975: Being called into the principal's office
2005: Calling the principal's office
1975: Screw the system
2005: Upgrade the system
1975: Disco
2005: Costco
1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1975: Passing the drivers' test
2005: Passing the vision test
1975: Whatever
2005: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a
Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet?
***************************************
Hallmark Cards You Don't Send
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
***************************************
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
***************************************
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
***************************************
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
***************************************
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you,
I've changed my mind.
***************************************
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
***************************************
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
***************************************
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go,
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
***************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
***************************************
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
***************************************
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
***************************************
We have been friends for a very long time,
let's say we stop?
***************************************
I'm so miserable without you,
it's almost like you're here.
***************************************
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
***************************************
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So, we're having you put to sleep.
***************************************
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good
***************************************
As I understand it, Ratzinger was not the Cardinals' first choice. It was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje.
Grapje was raised in a Catholic school and aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during W.W.II and spent two years co-piloting B-17s until his aircraft was shot down and he lost his left arm.
After the war, he became a priest serving as a missionary in Africa. While in Zimbabe, Father Grapje was inside a silver mine when it exploded. He suffered multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. Exposure to silver contents in the mine gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin.
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God, church leaders felt that he should never ascend to the Papacy....
.
.
.
.
.
They felt that the Church would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
***************************************
A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! ***************************************
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
*************************************** 
Subject: "gripe sheet, " which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P= The problem logged by the pilot.
S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
***************************************
A FEW LAUGHS of LIFE
Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!
Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration
***************************************
Kansas, according to Jeff Foxworthy
If you're proud that your region makes the national news at least 96 times each year because it's the hottest or the oldest spot in the nation, you might live in Kansas.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Kansas.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Kansas.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Kansas
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Kansas.
When "Vacation" means going east or west on I-70 for the weekend, you live in Kansas.
You measure distance in hours, you might live in Kansas.
You know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you might live in Kansas.
If you often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you might live in Kansas.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching, you might live in Kansas.
You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings), you might live in Kansas.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, you might live in Kansas.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them, you might live in Kansas.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might live in Kansas.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in Kansas.
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you might live in Kansas.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce, you might live in Kansas.
You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.., you might live in Kansas.
If Going Down South means Oklahoma, you might live in Kansas.
If a brat is something you eat, you might live in Kansas.
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed, you might live in Kansas.
If your idea of going out to eat is a tail gate party every Friday, you might live in Kansas.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car; you might live in Goodland Kansas.
If you find 0 degrees to be "a little chilly", you might live in Kansas.
You actually understand these jokes and you forward them to all your Kansas friends, you might live in Kansas.
***************************************
Subject: Fw: Wife 1.0
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User
_________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support.
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.
This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
***************************************
GRANDMA`S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS. GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING." JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"
LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES. "YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER`S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!"
PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS` HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." "WOULDN`T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON`T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
CHILDREN`S SERMON:
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN`S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT`S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"
SUPPORT A FAMILY:
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
FIRST TIME USHERS:
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE COLLECTION BASKETS. WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON`T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I`M UNDER FIVE."
PRAYERS:
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON`T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"
CLIMB THE WALLS:
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER`S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US." THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. "I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE MOOD RING:
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I`M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS! GREEN. WHEN I`M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.
THE WATER PISTOL:
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK. I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I`M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON`T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER."
***************************************
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't ssume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right
time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. ***************************************
50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS
MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR, AND EVERY YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY: "ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER".
ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED: "I KNOW, MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".
ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR, AND MORRIS SAID:
"ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."
ESTHER REPLIED: "MORRIS, THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID, "FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS".
MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT.
THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DARE DEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.
WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID" BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"
MORRIS REPLIED" WELL I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".
***************************************
Subject: Fw: Blondes Should Never Gamble
Homer, a handsome dude who liked to gamble, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a woman at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump. The woman looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The woman replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the woman placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The woman was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The woman replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money.
**************************************
LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, fowl language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
***************************************
World School Photographs
World School Photographs
***************************************
Subject: Fw: Tsunami - Deep Sea Creatures As everyone knows, the tsunami in Southeast Asia was devastating both in the loss of life and economically to the region. However, now that the clean up is underway in the region, deep sea creatures that live too deep to be studied are being found scattered throughout the wreckage. These creatures were washed up on shore when the waves hit.
Amazing what lives so far below the surface isn't it?
Deep Sea Pics-Very Strange & Unknown Prior
*************************************
Right on, Andy Rooney!
Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back:
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door. Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.
I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.
When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.
I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I! think t he police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!
I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born inAfrica; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides,Africais a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was fromEurope. I am proud to be from America/ Canada and nowhere else
And if you don't like my point of view, tough *&^%$ **********************************
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN)
for 6am. While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he
shaved with his electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes!
(MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his
search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another
discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He
put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then
wondered why he can`t find a good paying job in.AMERICA...
*********************************
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005, WHEN....
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work; you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home; you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 10 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
******************************
I was getting ready for work when I looked out the window and saw the utility company starting to erect a pole in front of my house. They were going to position it directly in front of my picture window.No way, absolutely no way was I going to permit this. I gulped down my last bit of coffee and went directly to the crew supervisor and told him in no uncertain terms that I was not going to permit his crew to put that stupid electrical pole directly in front of my picture window.
He took out a map for pole locations and a right of way document and explained that it is the best location for it. I told him it is not the best location for me and when I came home from work that day I did not want to find that pole in front of my window.
I told him I didn't give a hoot where he put it but not in front of my window. I felt pretty smug as I drove off to work because I felt I got my point across. I know darn well they are afraid to put it there now.
Ahhhh..... the feeling of power............
******************************************
WHERE TO BUY YOUR GAS,
THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO KNOW.
READ ON--
Gas rationing in the 80's worked even though we grumbled about it.
It might even be good for us! The Saudis are boycotting American goods.
We should return the favor. An interesting thought it, to boycott their GAS.
Every time you fill up the car, you can avoid putting more money into the
coffers of Saudi Arabia. Just buy from gas companies that don't import
their oil from the Saudis.
Nothing is more frustrating than the feeling that every time I fill-up
the tank, I am sending my money to people who are trying to kill me, my
family, and my friends.
I thought it might be interesting for you to know which oil companies are
the best to buy gas from and which major companies import Middle Eastern
oil : Shell.................. 205,742,000 barrels
Chevron/Texaco......... 144,332,000 barrels
Exxon /Mobil........... 130,082,000 barrels
Marathon/Speedway...... 117,740,000 barrels
Amoco....................62,231,000 barrels
If you do the math at $50/barrel, these imports amount to over $35 BILLION!
Here are some large companies that do not import Middle E! astern oil:
Citgo.............................0 barrels
Sunoco............................0 barrels
Conoco............................0 barrels
Sinclair..........................0 barrels
BP/Phillips.......................0 barrels
Hess..............................0 barrels
ARC0..............................0 barrels
All of this information is available from the Department of Energy and
each is required to state where they get their oil and how much they are importing.
But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of gas buyers. It's really simple to do.
Now, don't wimp out at this point... keep reading and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions of people!!
I'm sending this note to about thirty people.
If each of you send it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300)... and those
300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000) ... and so on,! by
the time the message reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have
reached over THREE MILLION consumers!
If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each,
then 30 million people will have been contacted!
If it goes one level further, you guessed it ..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!!
Again, all you have to do is send this to 10 people.
How long would all that take?
If each of us sends this e-mail out to ten more people within one day, all 300 MILLION people could conceivably be contacted within the next eight days!
******************************************
Subject: Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
IT'S BEEN AROUND MANY TIMES,,,BUT IT STILL MAKES ME CHUCKLE
Twenty Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point
A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"
7. Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. dont use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
20. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called
Therapy...
********************************************
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!
******************************************
How Smart is Your Right Foot?
This will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying at least 50
more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand. Your foot will change direction.
See, I told you so...And there's nothing you can do about it!
******************************************
Elderly grannies.
Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he Turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly
ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back,
wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused,
says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the
exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?" The
trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that
22 was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error. "But before you go, Ma'am, I have to
ask, is everyone in this car OK? , These women seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off
Route 127."
******************************************
Subject: Be careful of Deaf Genies
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places
the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in
the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one
foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the
bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano
bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits
down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he
pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says:
"Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of
smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant
you one wish. Just one wish .. each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I
want a million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon
followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire
bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your
genie's a little deaf." I asked for a million bucks, not a million
ducks."
"Tell me about it!!" says the man. "Do you really think I asked
for a 12 inch pianist?
******************************************
Subject: Bumper Stickers
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday`s Meals on Wheels"
******************************************
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We`re #1 in the #2 business."
******************************************
Sign over a Gynecologist`s Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
******************************************
At a Proctologist`s door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
******************************************
On a Plumber`s truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
******************************************
On a Plumber`s truck:
"Don`t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
******************************************
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
******************************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
******************************************
On a Plastic Surgeon`s Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
******************************************
At a Towing company:
"We don`t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
******************************************
On an Electrician`s truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
******************************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
******************************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
******************************************
At an Optometrist`s Office
"If you don`t see what you`re looking for, you`ve come to the right
place."
******************************************
On a Taxidermist`s window:
"We really know our stuff."
******************************************
In a Podiatrist`s office:
"Time wounds all heels."
******************************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
******************************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
******************************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary We hear you coming."
******************************************
In a Veterinarian`s waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
******************************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don`t, you will be."
******************************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don`t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
******************************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
******************************************
And don`t forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
******************************************
LOST IN THE DARN'DEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said,
"Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer
radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." ******************************************
Top 8 Morons of 2004
1.----- THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. ,Br> 2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun... Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer! *****************************************
Rules to Enter Kansas:
Applies to each person as they enter Kansas.
Learn &remember:
East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to.
No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus.
Drive it or get out of the way.3. They are cattle &feed lots.
That's what they smell like to you.
They smell like money to us.
Get over it.
Don't like it?
I-70 goes east and west, I-35 goes north and south.
Pick one.4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed.
We have $150,000 wheat combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.5. So every person in every pickup waves.
It's called being friendly.
Try to understand the concept, you whinny-assed elitest.6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of Ducks are coming in,
we WILL shoot it out of your hand.
You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.7. Yeah, we eat catfish &calf fries.
You really want sushi &caviar?
It's available at the corner bait shop.8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season.
It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.9. We open doors for women.
That is applied to all women, regardless of age.10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu.
Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick
off the 2 pounds of ham &turkey.11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes:
meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper,
and Picante Sauce.
Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Malibucall that stuff you eat...
It AINT REAL CHILI!!
Chili was born and bred in Abilene....
and real chili never met ground turkey!12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet,
and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house,
she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.13. Butler County,K-State and High School Football is as important
here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.14. Yeah, we have golf courses.
But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.15. Colleges? Try Butler County JUCO,KU, K-State, Washburn, or abunch a' others.
They come outa there with an education plus a love for God and country,
and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.16. Our state is home to "The Big Red One," so if you feel inclined to
flip the bird to one of us in the vicinity of Junction City, you'll get
your happy, flabby eastern/California ass whipped by the best!17. Always remember what our great native son, Gen. Eisenhower once said:
"Kansas can make it without the United States,
but the United States can't make it without Kansas."GOD BLESS KANSAS!!!
-----------------------------------
Butterflies taste with their feet.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world`s nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can`t jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It`s possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left handed.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
"Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
Weird Math: 111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321.
The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
A polar bear`s skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn`t wear pants.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 other million people in the world.
The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten. Their urine glows under a black light.
Feb 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don`t appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
It`s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. An ostrich`s eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish have no brains.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
The average secretary`s left hand does 56% of the typing.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Two-thirds of the world`s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
Almonds are members of the peach family.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "- dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
--------------------------
Grandma's Apron
The principle use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath,
but along with that, it served as a holder for removing hot pans from the
oven; It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was
even used for cleaning out dirty ears. From the chicken-coop the apron was
used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to
be finished in the warming oven. When company came those aprons were ideal
hiding places for shy kids; And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped
it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow,
bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling wood were brought into
the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of
vegetables. After the peas had been shelled it carried out the hulls. In
the fall the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the
trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how
much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. When
dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and
the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner. It will be
a long time before someone invents something that will replace that
"old-time apron" that served so many purposes. Send this to those who
would know, and love the story about Grandma' s aprons.
Remember this: "Grandma use to set her hot baked apple pies on the window
sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
SELF EXPLANATORY --------------------------
OK, it's up to you to figure this out. Follow the directions. Go to the site shown below. This will boggle your mind...Take your time and follow the instructions. After reading each window click on the boy in the lower right corner. You will be amazed....and no, I don't know how it's done. http://digicc.com/fido/
--------------------------
--------------------------
Now you know everything!!!!
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for
blood plasma.
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No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Donkeys kill more people annually than airplane crashes.
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
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Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
````````````````````````````````````````````````
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning
````````````````````````````````````````````````
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
The first owner of the Marlboro Company
died of lung cancer. So did the first "MarlboroMan."
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Pearls melt in vinegar.
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and
Budweiser, in that order.
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It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
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A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
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Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6)
feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from
the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
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Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name
contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second?
William Jefferson Clinton.
(Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!?!!)
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And the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that; don't YOU?)
Now you know everything there is to know
----------------------------------
Subject: Facts I Bet You Didn't Know...
Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the varieties of pickles the company once had.
The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
The dot over the letter 'i' is called a "tittle".
A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
A duck's quack doesn't echo ... no one knows why.
40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
Every person has a unique tongue print (no licking at the scene of a crime!)
315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was albino.
On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.
Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before.
There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without bein able to make change for a dollar.
By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless)
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in '87 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.
The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victorola, so they called themselves Motorola.
Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator game.
Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space!
Passing wind in a space suit damages them.
--------------------------------------
GREAT TRUTHS
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
--------------------------
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
--------------------------
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
--------------------------
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
--------------------------
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . ... having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . ... . not peeing in your pants.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
Tremendous, Horrendous, Stupendous, and Hazardous
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
NOW you know everything! -----------------------------------------------------
Subject: Are they really that dumb?
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen
that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface including
glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil. Enjoy paying your taxes--they're due again.
--------------------------
Subject: Old is When...--------------------------"OLD" IS WHEN.....Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN.....Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
EASIEST QUIZ IN THE WORLD... 1. How long did the Hundred Year's War last?--------------------------
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate The October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a Purple Finch?
9. Where are Chinese Gooseberries from?
10. What color is the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? Check your answers below.
Answers to the Quiz:
1. How long did the Hundred Year's War last? 116 years
2. Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3. From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and horses
4. In which month do Russians celebrate The October Revolution? November
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? A dog
7. What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8. What color is a Purple Finch? Crimson
9. Where are Chinese Gooseberries from? New Zealand
10. What color is the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange
What do you mean you failed?
EVER WONDER????????????????--------------------------
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98 or XP, you have to click on"Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest moving traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only
time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce
the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds
with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking,this
because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as
opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor: "Not >>>> > to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
HIGHWAY 109--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A drunk man in an Oldsmobile
They said had run the light
That caused the six-car pileup
On 109 that night.
When broken bodies lay about
And blood was everywhere,
The sirens screamed out elegies,
For death was in the air.
A mother, trapped inside her car,
Was heard above the noise;
Her plaintive plea near split the air:
"Oh, God, please spare my boys!"
She fought to loose her pinned hands;
She struggled to get free,
But mangled metal held her fast
In grim captivity.
Her frightened eyes then focused
On where the back seat once had been,
But all she saw was broken glass and
Two children's seats crushed in.
Her twins were nowhere to be seen;
She did not hear them cry,
And then she prayed they'd been thrown free,
"Oh, God, don't let them die!"
Then firemen came and cut her loose,
But when they searched the back,
They found therein no little boys,
But the seat belts were intact.
They thought the woman had gone mad
And was traveling alone,
But when they turned to question her,
They discovered she was gone.
Policemen saw her running wild
And screaming above the noise
In beseeching supplication,
"Please help me find my boys!
They're four years old and wear blue shirts;
Their jeans are blue to match."
One cop spoke up, "They're in my car,
And they don't have a scratch.
They said their daddy put them there
And gave them each a cone,
Then told them both to wait for Mom
To come and take them home.
I've searched the area high and low,
But I can't find their dad.
He must have fled the scene,
I guess, and that is very bad."
The mother hugged the twins and said,
While wiping at a tear,
"He could not flee the scene, you see,
For he's been dead a year."
The cop just looked confused and asked,
"Now, how can that be true?"
The boys said, "Mommy, Daddy came
And left a kiss for you.
He told us not to worry
And that you would be all right,
And then he put us in this car with
The pretty, flashing light.
We wanted him to stay with us,
Because we miss him so,
But Mommy, he just hugged us tight
And said he had to go.
He said someday we'd understand
And told us not to fuss,
And he said to tell you, Mommy,
He's watching over us."
The mother knew without a doubt
That what they spoke was true,
For she recalled their dad's last words,
"I will watch over you."
The firemen's notes could not explain
The twisted, mangled car,
And how the three of them escaped
Without a single scar.
But on the cop's report was scribed,
In print so very fine,
An angel walked the beat tonight
On Highway 109..
--------------------------
"He who has a thousand friends has not
a friend to spare ."
--------------------------
The 7 Second Prayer
Just repeat this phrase and see how God moves...
"Lord, I love you and I need you, come intomy
heart, and bless me, my family, my home,and my friends,
in Jesus'name. Amen. "
Hmmm-mmmm
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more
than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same
group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Down with Algebra! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Weapons of Math Instruction
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, protractor, setsquare, slide rule, and calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."
Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."
A Lesson In History:History at it's finest! Enjoy! The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor."
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the term "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wakeup. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring ! !
Educate someone...
A Computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A Window was something you hated to clean
And a Ram was the father of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And Gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really Mega Bytes.
An Application was for employment
A Program was a TV show
A Cursor used profanity
A Keyboard was a piano.
A Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped that nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you Unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log On was adding wood to the fire
Hard Drive was a long trip on the road
A Mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a Backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A Web was a spider's home
And a Virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the Memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a Computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead
ETERNAL TRUTHS
Remember, once you get over the hill,
you'll begin to pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine.
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some, like me, just don't have any film.
I always know God won't give me more than I can handle but
there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
If the shoe fits......buy a pair in every color.
Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.
Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more
than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and
narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away
three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Learn from the mistakes of others.
Trust me...you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
I've tried!!
Revenge is Sweet Envious Husband A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen. God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set our their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1:00 PM and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 PM he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 PM he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
Subject: Medical Bills A woman brought a limp parrot to a vet. When she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and put it to the bird's chest. After a moment, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry: Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on her or anything. She might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning with a beautiful black Labrador retriever. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet led the dog out, and returned with a cat. The cat jumped onto the table, sniffed and pawed at the bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed, hopped off the table and walked out.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely dead." He then turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
"$250!" she cried. "$250 just to tell me my bird is dead?!" The vet shrugged and said, "Look, lady, if you'd taken my word for it, it would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?" .
The Midwest
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners
and Californians cross into states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Michigan, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota Colorado and Texas; those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before
breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we shot Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped . . . by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those
little trout you fish for . . . bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it! You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak.
Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two
pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car you drive on weekends.
We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks --- because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too -- and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go two ways - - Interstates 71, 75, 29 & 35 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.
Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot . . . his name is "Sir" . . . no matter how old he is.
Now, enjoy your visit.
ON THE TOPIC OF JOBS
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly cause it was a sew-sew job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef, I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to be a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, but there was no future in it.
My last job was at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same ole grind.
SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I WAS PERFECT FOR THE JOB